Lonely

Im a very lonely person. I know a lot of people but don’t have a lot of friends. In fact I don’t really have any at all. Not a single friend who I can count on at the end of the day who will have my back in any situation. I don’t have a partner to share my success with. I feel empty. 

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Sour 

You’re insecure

You’re heartbroken

You’ve never been loved right

Maybe that’s the reason why you need to make people feel de valued

Because you can’t see your value

Because no one ever told you you were important 

So you made yourself important 

By telling others they weren’t important 

By going out of your way to upset someone’s day 

You’re not funny 

Your crude. Quite frankly it’s rude. 

I hope one day you see that holding a grudge against the world does kit make you a pretty girl. 

Which is tragic because you’re such a pretty girl. 

But your demons are dark

They’re dark and until you release them you’ll never find the love you want. 

Ever. 

Realizations. 

You know what. If nobody got me, I got me. And at the end of the day if that’s having to be alone every day of my life then I’ll just roll with the punches. Life isn’t about having 100 friends. It’s not about trying to satisfy someone else’s insecurities. Because when you satisfy someone else’s insecurities you are only surpressing your own. YOU are the most important person in your life. This is YOUR life. Not yours and somebody else’s. If it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be and you cannot force anything. People will do what they want to do and you cannot control that. Just pick yourself up, stop wading in your ocean of sorrowness and live your life.

It’s Not Just You

The Daily Dahlia

Confession: probably my biggest pet peeve on the planet is when people start a question with “Am I the only one who…?” No. You’re not. You’re not the only one who writes that way, reads that way, likes that food, likes that band, thinks Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like a Game of Thrones character or looks like someone squeezed Spongebob and stuck googly eyes on him…you’re just not. But. There’s a different kind of “Is it just me?” feeling, and that’s the stress of when you’re drowning in something and nobody’s talking about it and you feel like everyone’s got it together but you, and so you don’t wanna say a thing, and it all snowballs until you basically wanna curl up and die. I know that feeling. It’s why I wrote this post after splitting with my first agent. So in case you are wondering any of these things, I…

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Bed of lies

Its not that I’m heartbroken because I am madly in love. Although mad (in the sense of crazy) is how I have been acting. But what breaks my heart more is looking back on texts, that contradict everything going on now. I guess you can say I’m heart broken because of the false hope. I’m heartbroken because I was told I was never gonna be given up on. That I would be fought for. And no one ever faught for me. I was always thrown to the trash. So I clung to those words. I clung to the fact that you made me feel important. And out of everything I just cannot stop re reading texts wondering where that person went. 

“But met you and I fucking love you. Just like that. So fucking easily. You give me hope again and I see a bright future with you…” 

But at least one thing was true…

“The reason for our fall out (if we do) will not be from infedelity or an affair” 

This may seem like desperation or obsession but when you find someone who fills your head with everything you’ve never heard you latch. And on top of that I was given everything so I loved. But now I am the vilian for showing my love and eagerness to make things right. 

I will no longer be someone’s weak minded puppet. I’m so much stronger. ‘Lips and tongues lie, but actions never do. No matter what words are spoken, actions betray the truth of everyone’s heart’. So who is more adult? Someone who works like mad to avoid a problem? Or someone who works like mad to solve it? Because life doesn’t work by burning bridges. Soon you’ll be on one end of the ravine, screaming for help, to build a bridge and move along. 

June 12. 

You live, and you learn. Not everything in life is going to go as you planned. In fact, life is not meant to have a plan at all. Everything happens for a reason. And majority of the time, that reason is to teach a lesson. Tonight I learned that you cannot force love to happen. When love comes to you it will come to you, and it will come to you when it is your time. You cannot rush love. Love is patient and love is kind. You cannot hold grudges. You cannot host hate. Hosting hate is only angering yourself. It is living with the past. It is not being able to move on. It is not being able to say “I forgive this person for what they have done to me”. When you forgive you don’t necessarily need to make it known to the other person that they have been forgiving. As long as in your heart you know you have made peace with that time in your life then you have forgiven and you can move on. Life is too long to be hated and not loved. 

Chubby Cheeks

We have all been in love. And with being in love comes the misfortune of of being heart broken. A place, far to familiar for some, and for the lucky ones, a place hopefully they will never have to visit. I’ve never really been the type to believe in happily ever – afters, because let’s face it, life is no fairy tale. But despite my non – Cinderella views about happily ever afters and falling in love with my Prince Charming, I have to admit that deep down inside me its all I have ever wanted. I crave touch. I crave attention. I crave love. And I crave affection. I am human. As a person who yearns to be loved, I have found myself searching, and looking, and being “heart broken” multiple times. But as I look back I realize that it’s true. True love comes to those who wait. And for some, at the most unexpected times, with the most unexpected people. Which brings me to where I am now. People who prefer to date the same sex are just that …PEOPLE. But me? Date a girl? No way. Never. I love men. Tall, light skin, beautiful, buff, MEN. So when I began to lust over a women, I felt completely and utterly into fantasy land. I fell into a state of euphoria where I began to feel trapped. I was caught in her web… Excuse me. I am caught in her web, and I cannot seem to get out. What really caught my attention was her smile. The way her lips held her teeth when she would talk about something she was passionate about. And her hair. Ugh my God her hair. Entrancing, long black locks of mystery. When she would walk, her hair would just get caught in the wind and I swear it was like a movie. What else? Her laugh. She would throw her head back and her hair would fall to the floor and her lips wrapped around her orbit white smile and she would let out this laugh… This laugh that, ugh I just can’t even put into words because her laugh is one of the one things I cannot let go of. And she has this skin that just melts into my hands every time I touch her. Every time I would rub my hands across her face, and feel her …. Chubby cheeks. But not chubby in a sense that she was over weight. They were perfectly round. Sort of like a ripe peach. You know, that one peach out of 300 in the produce section. The one that you find, after so many, that’s just perfect. It’s soft and perfectly round when you smell it it smells like heaven on earth. Oh…. You don’t look at peaches that way? Well she was my peach. She is still my perfect peach. We had a connection that grew at a rapid pace. And when I tell you rapidly I mean that I knew I loved this girl from the moment  my lips touched hers. From the moment I ran my fingers through that long, mysterious black hair, that I Ioved her. And boy do I love her. I love the way she crinkles her eyebrows when she’s deep in thought. I love the way she rolls her eyes when I say something she doesn’t like. I love the way she runs her hand along my inner thigh then grips it just enough to let me know that this is hers. This is hers and no one else’s. And that she is mine and no one else’s! We would go out to eat, (she’ll eat anything. I love that about her If you tell her to eat a cow brain she’ll do it because she’s cool like that, always down to try new things) So anyways… We go out to eat and after every meal we rate it. How was each of our food, the service, the vibe, the decorations, ect. It was our little thing. We would drive. Just drive. With no destination. Just drive and drive and drive. And then we’d stop. And then we’d talk. And then we’d drive home. And we’d kiss for hours. Maybe not hours but at least a good hour. Kiss, then look at each other and laugh, then turn away out of shyness, and pull back into each other just to do it again another 15 times. And when I kissed her no felt a tornado in my stomach. No, not butterflies, a mother fucking tornado! Boy did we love. And we loved hard. And we loved fast. So fast that I think Romeo and Juliets love story was longer that this. (It wasn’t but you catch my drift). She was everything I looked for. She had a witty personality that made a room full of pink elephants feel relived. She would always give me just the right amount of affection. Never clingy, but never distant. She spoiled me. Not by buying me things that I could already buy myself, although hen she did I was nothing less than thankful. But she spoiled me emotionally. She would always tell me how crazy it is she’s with me because she’s a player and didn’t even want to be in a relationship but I changed that! Imagine my joy. I made someone fall for me? When usually in the one falling, tripping, and unable to get back up. This girl gave me stability, loyalty, and security. With her, I’m safe. I’m loved. I am happy. But as  fast as we lust and loved, our flame began to die. Our candle was beginning to melt and our wick beginning to burn and it burned man, it BURNED. And it wasn’t her that was burning. It was me. Because for someone to love me, after being told I was unloveable, I was a disgrace to life, I was worthless in some eyes. My feet froze up. And I began to feel confused. I began to feel what I felt with previous lovers. And I took it out on her. I told her she wasn’t good enough for me. That she couldn’t give me what I wanted. THAT SHE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME. When really, I didn’t know how to love myself. I began to feel insecure, and she began to become distant. Our everyday video chats became weekly. Our hour long kisses became a kiss only to say goodbye not because we didn’t want to leave. She began to be too tired to kiss me. I began to feel as if there was someone else. She doesn’t want to kiss me. She doesn’t want to touch me. She doesn’t want to love me. And I was right. There was someone else. It was Brianna. Not the Brie she loved and lusted and what made her want to be with me. But what I needed from her was to realize that the cocky, shit – don’t – stank Brie is not me. I have demons of my own that need to be conquered. So when’s felt her pulling away, I was pulling closer, trying to get her to hear me but she couldn’t hear me because she was too far gone. I had lost her. I couldn’t even see her anymore because I was pulling on a rope that was just all  ricocheting  back to me because she let go of her end. And that was when I realized she loved me how he knew how to love me and I was selfish for telling her she didn’t know how to love. So now, all I crave is her love. Her tough love. Her cold heart. Because her cold heart melted mine. And her cold heart made me realize things about myself. And right now, I would do anything to get her cold heart back because her cold heart gave mine life. Her cold heart is something that not many people will get to hold and I held it. And I can’t take back what’s been done but i sure the hell will try. And I won’t stop trying until her cold her is in my hands again. 

 

Reality.

I look at life as a book. A blank, unlimited page novel. That everyday, every hour, every minute, every single second of your life, you are constantly printing a new sentence onto a blank page. So here is my next chapter. I’ll call it …. Reality.