Chubby Cheeks

We have all been in love. And with being in love comes the misfortune of of being heart broken. A place, far to familiar for some, and for the lucky ones, a place hopefully they will never have to visit. I’ve never really been the type to believe in happily ever – afters, because let’s face it, life is no fairy tale. But despite my non – Cinderella views about happily ever afters and falling in love with my Prince Charming, I have to admit that deep down inside me its all I have ever wanted. I crave touch. I crave attention. I crave love. And I crave affection. I am human. As a person who yearns to be loved, I have found myself searching, and looking, and being “heart broken” multiple times. But as I look back I realize that it’s true. True love comes to those who wait. And for some, at the most unexpected times, with the most unexpected people. Which brings me to where I am now. People who prefer to date the same sex are just that …PEOPLE. But me? Date a girl? No way. Never. I love men. Tall, light skin, beautiful, buff, MEN. So when I began to lust over a women, I felt completely and utterly into fantasy land. I fell into a state of euphoria where I began to feel trapped. I was caught in her web… Excuse me. I am caught in her web, and I cannot seem to get out. What really caught my attention was her smile. The way her lips held her teeth when she would talk about something she was passionate about. And her hair. Ugh my God her hair. Entrancing, long black locks of mystery. When she would walk, her hair would just get caught in the wind and I swear it was like a movie. What else? Her laugh. She would throw her head back and her hair would fall to the floor and her lips wrapped around her orbit white smile and she would let out this laugh… This laugh that, ugh I just can’t even put into words because her laugh is one of the one things I cannot let go of. And she has this skin that just melts into my hands every time I touch her. Every time I would rub my hands across her face, and feel her …. Chubby cheeks. But not chubby in a sense that she was over weight. They were perfectly round. Sort of like a ripe peach. You know, that one peach out of 300 in the produce section. The one that you find, after so many, that’s just perfect. It’s soft and perfectly round when you smell it it smells like heaven on earth. Oh…. You don’t look at peaches that way? Well she was my peach. She is still my perfect peach. We had a connection that grew at a rapid pace. And when I tell you rapidly I mean that I knew I loved this girl from the moment  my lips touched hers. From the moment I ran my fingers through that long, mysterious black hair, that I Ioved her. And boy do I love her. I love the way she crinkles her eyebrows when she’s deep in thought. I love the way she rolls her eyes when I say something she doesn’t like. I love the way she runs her hand along my inner thigh then grips it just enough to let me know that this is hers. This is hers and no one else’s. And that she is mine and no one else’s! We would go out to eat, (she’ll eat anything. I love that about her If you tell her to eat a cow brain she’ll do it because she’s cool like that, always down to try new things) So anyways… We go out to eat and after every meal we rate it. How was each of our food, the service, the vibe, the decorations, ect. It was our little thing. We would drive. Just drive. With no destination. Just drive and drive and drive. And then we’d stop. And then we’d talk. And then we’d drive home. And we’d kiss for hours. Maybe not hours but at least a good hour. Kiss, then look at each other and laugh, then turn away out of shyness, and pull back into each other just to do it again another 15 times. And when I kissed her no felt a tornado in my stomach. No, not butterflies, a mother fucking tornado! Boy did we love. And we loved hard. And we loved fast. So fast that I think Romeo and Juliets love story was longer that this. (It wasn’t but you catch my drift). She was everything I looked for. She had a witty personality that made a room full of pink elephants feel relived. She would always give me just the right amount of affection. Never clingy, but never distant. She spoiled me. Not by buying me things that I could already buy myself, although hen she did I was nothing less than thankful. But she spoiled me emotionally. She would always tell me how crazy it is she’s with me because she’s a player and didn’t even want to be in a relationship but I changed that! Imagine my joy. I made someone fall for me? When usually in the one falling, tripping, and unable to get back up. This girl gave me stability, loyalty, and security. With her, I’m safe. I’m loved. I am happy. But as  fast as we lust and loved, our flame began to die. Our candle was beginning to melt and our wick beginning to burn and it burned man, it BURNED. And it wasn’t her that was burning. It was me. Because for someone to love me, after being told I was unloveable, I was a disgrace to life, I was worthless in some eyes. My feet froze up. And I began to feel confused. I began to feel what I felt with previous lovers. And I took it out on her. I told her she wasn’t good enough for me. That she couldn’t give me what I wanted. THAT SHE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME. When really, I didn’t know how to love myself. I began to feel insecure, and she began to become distant. Our everyday video chats became weekly. Our hour long kisses became a kiss only to say goodbye not because we didn’t want to leave. She began to be too tired to kiss me. I began to feel as if there was someone else. She doesn’t want to kiss me. She doesn’t want to touch me. She doesn’t want to love me. And I was right. There was someone else. It was Brianna. Not the Brie she loved and lusted and what made her want to be with me. But what I needed from her was to realize that the cocky, shit – don’t – stank Brie is not me. I have demons of my own that need to be conquered. So when’s felt her pulling away, I was pulling closer, trying to get her to hear me but she couldn’t hear me because she was too far gone. I had lost her. I couldn’t even see her anymore because I was pulling on a rope that was just all  ricocheting  back to me because she let go of her end. And that was when I realized she loved me how he knew how to love me and I was selfish for telling her she didn’t know how to love. So now, all I crave is her love. Her tough love. Her cold heart. Because her cold heart melted mine. And her cold heart made me realize things about myself. And right now, I would do anything to get her cold heart back because her cold heart gave mine life. Her cold heart is something that not many people will get to hold and I held it. And I can’t take back what’s been done but i sure the hell will try. And I won’t stop trying until her cold her is in my hands again. 

 

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